He makes me smile… :)

He’s JUST a friend. He can’t be any more than that. I don’t WANT any more than that.
But we text connnnstantly. Even going to sleep two hours later and getting up two hours earlier to text each other. Spend our weekends together. Miss each other when we’re apart. I smile every time my phone lights up and it’s him, and kinda frown every time it lights up and it’s someone else.
He’s just a friend. He’s just a friend. He’s just a friend…

Everything is just Ughh!

So I’ve been fighting the urge to sink into depression lately, due to the tedium and solitude of my life as of late. I have basically NO friends locally, no boyfriend or even the hint of one anywhere on the horizon, but I know God’s working on that. I have a feeling I’ll be waiting a while though. The weight of the constant aloneness is getting harder and harder to bear. I find myself crying for ABSOLUTELY no reason at all. Example: I was driving home the other day and I was kind of in a hurry because it was one of those dark and cloudy evenings out, and I just wanted to get home and get warm and curl up and read (Twilight, if you must know… For the 5th time, if you must know that too…). So I was racing to get home cuz I could just FEEL the depression coming on me, as if driving 15 over the legal speed limit would help me outrun my deep-seated fears of solitude.. ANYWAY, I got to an intersection and the light turned yellow too soon so I had to stop, and I just burst into tears. LOL. What the hell was that???
So I let myself cry for a little bit, and listened to Shimmer by Fuel. I normally would fight off the tears before they started, with my new Godly outlook and all, but sometimes I just feel the 24/7 God-is-Great-and-finding-me-a-husband-as-I-speak optimism is just a great way of deluding myself away from my present reality: which in a nutshell is nothingness. Like I said, no friends, no boyfriend, no prospects apart from Droy whom we could now safely define as a ‘stalker’, and I’m in that awful in-between stage of school where I’m ALMOST done, but it’s not soon enough, and I can’t start the career I want yet, and everything is just UGH.
So I cried, not wanting to feel optimistic and not wanting to rejoice in God for my seemingly unending term in Purgatory. SO many people are happily married. They’ve found who they wanted without the constant struggles and heartbreaks and difficulties and all-around BULL crap that I’ve had to go through. So being a logical, thinking human, I have to question that… WHY is it, that I was created to NOT want to be alone, to be terribly loving and selfless to a FAULT, to WANT to be married at a young age, only to have to suffer through a life of everything I DON’T want?? Other people find what they’re looking for without ever really going through trials or tribulations to ‘earn’ it. So why is the prize so damn impossible for me to obtain? It just doesn’t seem fair. God is Awesome but he’s given people what they’ve wanted far more easily than whatever he has planned for me, which I’m still (im)pateintly waiting for.
*Siiiighh* I guess I’ll grab a book while I wait. I could be here a while…

~Lilies n Stars.

Heartbreak

Fluctuation between strong and weak;
Female: Unshakable, unbreakable,
 then nothing but shards of shattered glass in a heap on the floor. Any former shape distorted and mangled beyond recognition.
Rise, glue the pieces back together. Maybe not enough to stand, but at least rise from the cool of the tile floor, lean against the wall for support while you catch the breath you have left.
Overdramatic? There is no overdramatic when a girl’s heart is broken.

Never let anyone tell you “get over it”. You will never fully get over it, but you will recover. In your time; no one else’s.

~Lilies n Stars*

“Through thick and thin they’ve gone away and only left their grief.
Oh, something’s missing in me
I felt it deep within me
As lovers left me to bleed…alone.”
                   ~Missing by Flyleaf